Homesickness.

Today was a really hard day. Today was the first time since I left 6 weeks ago that I have genuinely regretted leaving. That I have wished to be home, with my family. I don't know exactly what brought it on. I think maybe I'm lonely. The 2 other au pairs who live closest to me who I occasionally see don't really include me in their plans (which is okay. they don't have to). I am not 21, so I can't join them on most of their expeditions anyway. I don't have any real friends in Philadelphia. But I can work on changing that. That is within my control. I spent most of this morning feeling sad and stayed in bed watching (can you guess?) The Good Wife. But I left the house for a few hours (more on that in a later post) and walked around. Talked to the lovely, friendly people who work at my bank. I came home feeling better. I have so many plans. I want to take piano lessons, Japanese lessons, cooking lessons. I want to adventure around Philadelphia, walk down streets I haven't yet. I want to have people in Philly who are my people. I will work on that. 

I came home feeling better. Then I saw I had mail - a postcard and a card. The postcard from my Daddy made me smile - I love, love, love receiving mail. I don't think I've ever felt more loved than the past month, my family are the best. As soon as I opened the card, I completely lost it. My wonderful, brilliant, beautiful mother had filled a whole card, inside and out, with her handwriting. I miss my parents so much that sometimes it's a physical ache. I try to stay busy and ignore it, but today it bubbled out. But that's okay. It's okay to be sad sometimes. And I know that while I'll always miss them, it won't always be this hard. 

I know this post is going to be weird for anyone other than me to read. But to be completely honest, I'm not writing it for anyone else, I'm writing it for me. I know that everything is going to be okay. I know that I really love Philadelphia. and I know that I really, really love these kids. 

When I met the bus this afternoon (it was on early, which it never is, so I was the only nanny there to meet it!) my kids came tumbling off the bus. C put her arm through mine, and R, who normally hates holding hands, grabbed mine and held it and told me a story. I love these kids. They make me happy and they are the reason I am here. They make me laugh, and they make me frustrated, and they make me happy. I am glad that I am here. I am glad that I chose to come halfway round the world and live in a new city with new people. I will persevere. I can do this.  

Other days will be easier. This too shall pass.

(I'm sorry if you're reading this. I just needed to get this all out, so in a couple days I can come back & read it. I know it doesn't make much sense or have any structure. I'm sorry)